I was 22 at the time, I had a good job, great family support, an education, I could do it alone. And maybe, just maybe, Ryan would come around and sweep me off my feet, tell me he loved me, and everything would be perfect. But day after day, the nagging in my heart just got worse.
One day near the end of September I decided to go for a drive up to one of the big ski resorts and take pictures of the leaves before they were all gone, and just have some time alone.
When I got up there I walked around for a little bit, took some pictures, puked, and found a nice place to sit for awhile.
When I sat, I pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around my legs, and rested my head on my knees. My mind was racing. I was so torn. Do I keep the baby? Would Ryan ever come back? Should I give her away?
I knew the answer. I finally said out loud, 'I need to give you up, but can I?'
And as clear as day, I heard a voice, a little sweet voice say, 'mom'.
I looked up expecting to see a little kid running around somewhere but no one was in sight.
To this day I know it was my sweet girl telling me that giving her up was the right decision.
'ok', I told myself. It's no longer about me, or what I want, or what I need, or what I might feel, it was all about this baby and what was best for her. She was going to have a mom and a dad, she was going to have a way better life than I could ever give her.
All of the sudden it was like I could breathe again. I was overcome with the biggest feeling of peace. So I stood up, walked to my car, and drove down the canyon with an agenda.
As soon as I got home I sat my parents down and told them I had made a decision to give the baby up for adoption.
Ever since I had told them I was pregnant, they had never expressed their opinion as to what they thought I should do because they wanted whatever I decided to do to be 100% my decision. But I know that when I told them they were relieved. They told me they would support me and be there for me through the whole process.
I called the social worked I'd been talking with at the adoption agency, we'll call her Susan.
She was very surprised to hear of my decision, because I had been so determined to keep her. So we set up a time for me to come up and start looking through profiles of couples waiting to adopt.
I was so nervous. Where did I even begin? How do you choose someone to raise your child? My mom reccomended making a list of the different things I was looking for in a couple. I wrote down that I wanted them to be LDS, successful, educated, kind, loving towards each other, and many other qualities. When I met with Susan a few days later, we went over my list and she presented me with about 20 profiles to start with.
Every girl that I had talked to from the support group had told me that I would know who they were when I got to their profile. I thought that was crazy.
When I got home I started the search. The profiles were set up that you first looked at what looked like a 'stats' sheet. I guess that's what you would call it. It just said their names, dates of birth, education, things like that. Then you would turn the page and read their letter to the birth mom, then the last page contained pictures. I looked through all the profiles and felt pretty good about one of them. I kept it with me for a few days and looked over it about a 100 times and finally decided that I would go with them.
I drove up to the agency the end of that week and told Susan I'd made my decision and showed her who I'd picked. She said that we could announce to them the following week, which meant she wouldn't say anything to them over the weekend. We talked about a few more things, then as I was getting my keys out of my purse to leave the baby started kicking and moving so vigorously that it almost took my breath away. Up until then I hadn't felt her that much so I just chalked it up to surprise.
But as the weekend went on things got more interesting, I started throwing up more during the day, and was having such a hard time sleeping. And it was the strangest thing, every time I talked about the couple I had chosen, the baby started moving so much that it hurt. I had an appointment to go up and see Susan with my announcement gift on Monday morning, so on Sunday night I went to bed early with a prayer that I would feel better.
I lay awake for hours and when I finally drifted off I had a dream. I was walking through a gorgeous wheat field, letting my hands run across the tops of the plants as I passed, and in front of me was a couple. They were holding hands, and just strolling along like I was. I couldn't see their faces, just the backs of their heads. Her with long hair and his head was shaved. I remember feeling so peaceful in the dream. My stomach wasn't hurting, my hips weren't aching, I didn't need to throw up for a change. Just peaceful. When I woke up the next morning I knew what I had to do.
When I got up to the agency I told Susan that I'd chosen the wrong couple. This baby was not supposed to go to them.
Luckily the couple had not even been informed that something was up yet, so no hurt feelings. She gathered up about 30 more profiles and sent me on my way. I was so anxious, what if I choose wrong again? Where was this, you'll know them when you see them thing???
When I got home I went to set the stack of profiles on my desk and didn't quite get them all the way on so they fell and scattered all over the floor.
I knelt down to gather them all up, haphazardly put them in a pile, and when I went to put the last one back together, there they were.....
The man and woman from my dream.