That's exactly how felt when I came around the corner and saw Ryan sitting there on my car.
I was so angry and hurt that it had been months since I'd seen him and I'd had to deal with this on my own so far. But on the other hand, he'd been one of my best friends. I'd missed him so much, and it took all I had not to burst into tears and tell him how glad I was to see him. But I didn't. I just stood there and looked at him.
He said hello, and just stared at my stomach.
'Yep', I said, 'It's real.'
I asked him what he wanted and he said that he was ready to be an adult and deal with this. He asked me what he could do. I told him that I had a doctors appointment the next morning and he could do what he wanted. And I got in my car and left.
The next morning Ryan showed up at my house an hour before I was supposed to be at the doctors and offered to drive me and stay with me during the appointment so he could meet the doctor. I agreed.
The drive up was so awkward. Silent. I grieved for the Ryan I knew, and was wary of this stranger next to me. When we arrived at the clinic I went to check in, and while I was waiting for the nurse to grab some paperwork for me, Ryan happened to glance and my sign in slip and noticed the balance at the bottom. He commented on how much money I owed and I just said yep, and I'm not even half way done yet. But I told him not to worry, it's going to be taken care of. He asked what I meant, and just then the nurse walked out and called my name to go back. I motioned for Ryan to follow me. We got in there and the nurse chatted with me for a bit, took my blood pressure, then left to go tell the doctor we were ready.
While we were waiting I was reading a magazine when the baby started moving, without saying anything I reached over and grabbed Ryan's hand and put it on my belly. The baby immediately kicked his hand and Ryan just kept his hand there while she moved around some more.
The doctor finally came in and I introduced Ryan and Ryan told the doctor he was the father. The doctor thanked him for being there.
I layed down and the doc measured my belly and we talked about a few things. Since I had been spotting on and off my whole pregnancy he wanted to do an ultrasound at every visit. So he moved us over to the ultrasound room and got us set up.
When the baby appeared on the screen, the doctor pointed out the different parts and talked about the measurements. After a few minutes Ryan stood up and took my hand. He didn't say anything but had tears in his eyes. I just quietly said, it's a girl, and he still didn't say anything, he just stared at the screen. When it was over, the doctor printed out some pictures and gave them to me and Ryan immediately asked if he could have some, so I gave most of them to him and saved the others for Chris and Emily. The doctor said everything looked great and sent us on our way.
On the ride home, Ryan kept glancing at the pictures and saying wow, over and over again. I on the other hand was so worried. Do I tell him what I've decided? What if he fights it and wants to keep her? What if he wanted to get married? By the time we got home I had decided that I was going to tell him what I was planning to do.
We sat on my front porch in the cold because I was always hot those days when I told him. I simply said that I didn't know what he wanted to do at this point, but that I felt it was right to give her up for adoption. That she deserved to have a mom and a dad that could provide for her and give her the life she deserved.
I assured him that I had chosen an amazing couple who I believed in my heart would do a great job raising her. I also explained that all of the medical costs and everything else would be taken care of.
I was also firm in saying that that was my decision, and that was what I was going to do. Nothing could change my mind.
And then my guard came down. I cried. I told him that I needed him more than ever. That I missed my friend. I plead with him to be supportive of this decision I had made and that we could do this together. That I really needed him to help me through this.
At that point he just nodded and pulled out the ultrasound pictures again.
I had an appointment with Susan the next afternoon and I asked Ryan to come with me. I thought it would be a great opportunity to talk more about Chris and Emily, maybe get his medical history for them, and also talk about the adoption process a little more. He said he would meet me at my house the next day and we could go together. Then he kissed me on the forehead and left.
I breathed a sigh of relief. He'd come back. And he was going to help me through this.
The next day I got all ready for my appointment with Susan and went out on my front porch and waited.....