The Story of My Firstborn Pt.6

I winced waiting for the words of disappointment to come.

They never did.

She simply told me it was going to be okay, that she was here for me, that she loved me.

She was so kind.

We talked for a few more minutes and then hung up so she could get on her flight and I could go to work.

On my way to work, I called Josh and asked if I could come over that evening, that I needed to talk to him. He asked if anything was wrong and I told him that I needed to talk to him in person and I would see him later.

After work I headed over to his house. On my way there I prayed so hard to know what to say to him, and that he wouldn't be hurt.

He was out in the driveway waiting for me when I got there and I decided not to beat around the bush. I told him we couldn't see each other anymore, that it just wasn't going to work. He told me that he deserved an explanation. I told him I was pregnant. I explained to him that it happened before we started dating, and I just wanted to get through it and how sorry I was. I wanted to say so much more, but I was crying so hard by that time that I kissed him on the cheek, and left.

What happened to my life? I couldn't believe I was this person.

A week later, Josh called and asked if I would come to dinner at his Dad's with him. I still hadn't heard from Ryan, and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, so I agreed, I wanted to just get out of the house and was pretty stoked that he still wanted to be my friend. Josh picked me

up and we went and had dinner. Then he asked if I would like to go to Temple Square, so we headed in to Salt Lake, parked the car, and walked over to the gate. He surprised me with a carriage ride. I asked him why he was being so nice to me, and he just said he felt bad that I was having a hard time with everything that was going on. The carriage took us up around the square then over to Memory Grove. We were about half way done with the ride when Josh all of the sudden says, you know how much I love you right? I nodded. He put his fist on my lap and opened it. He was holding a diamond ring.

He told me that he loved me so much and he wanted to marry me, and love my baby like it was his own. He told me he was willing to give up a temple marriage and anything else to be with me.

I was shocked. I literally couldn't say a word. I was so excited, yet so confused. I finally said yes.

When I got home my parents were waiting for me. Josh had called them earlier and they knew about the proposal. I took one look at my mom and burst into tears. I knew I had made a mistake. I loved Josh, but I knew I wasn't supposed to marry him. I had to give the ring back.

That night the baby decided she was upset with me about something I'd eaten and I was up all night throwing up. I called Josh the next morning and had him meet me. We got together that afternoon and I told him I was so sorry, I didn't want to hurt him anymore, but I just couldn't marry him. It wasn't the right thing to do. I told him how amazing he was and that I hoped he would find someone who truly appreciated him. And I gave the ring back.

A month passed. Nothing from Ryan. Sick, I was so sick, everyday, every minute, horribly sick. I went to the doctor and found out I was almost four months along and due in early April. I had decided that I was going to keep the baby. And I started making plans. My mom suggested that I go to a support group that LDS Family services had for unwed moms. She went with me the first time. There were about ten girls there. Only two were pregnant. The ones who had already had their babies told their stories of placing them for adoption. It was very interesting to me to hear what these girls had gone through. But I was still determined to keep my baby and raise her on my own. I had confidence in myself that I could do it. Still something was nagging at me in the back of my mind. Was I making the right choice?