The Story of My Firstborn Pt.12

I looked down at her and the first thing I thought was, well look at that;, it's a real baby.
The doctor got her all sucked out, then held her up for me to see.
I reached up and touched her hand, she wrapped her little fingers around mine and looked right at me.
I whispered hi, then they took her away quickly because she had swallowed a little bit of meconium, look it up, and they needed to make sure her lungs were clear.
She was perfect.
I couldn't take my eyes off of her. The whole time they were taking care of her, I just watched, and would bark at anyone who blocked my view.
After what seemed like forever the nurse finally placed her in my arms.
oh man.
She looked up at me and we had an instant connection. This may sound crazy but I felt like we'd met before, like this wasn't a 'nice to meet you', but a 'hello again'.
It was so funny because there was like ten people in the room when she was born, then all of the sudden it was just me and the baby.
I still couldn't believe she was there. I was finally holding her. It was like the world around me had stopped. I kept stroking her cheek and kissing her little nose and telling her I loved her over and over again.
We sat like that for about a half hour, then my mom came back in the room with nurse and they took the baby to the nursery and moved my to my recovery room.
I'd only been in recovery for ten minutes when the bishop from my singles ward, who i was asked to stop coming to when I was pregnant by the way (a whole other story for another time), and some of preisthood presidency showed up.
So they were there, my mom, my dad, my sister in law, two of my friends, and the nurses that were in and out. I was getting a little overwhelmed and I just wanted my baby.
About a half hour later, most of the people left and the nurse finally brought the baby back from the nursery. I took one look at her and thought they'd brought me the wrong baby! Where on earth did all that hair come from!
Of course when she was born, it was all matted to her head so I couldn't tell how much was there, but oh man! It was about an inch and a half long and as black as could be. And she was all clean, and pink and gorgeous. This was my little girl.
This was Vivian.
It was about 9pm when everyone finally cleared out and the nurses left me alone.
For the moment anyway.
I asked my mom to sleep at the hospital with me because even though I had Vivian, I didn't want to be all alone.
At 10pm we finally turned out the lights and settled down for the night. Well my mom did.
The nurse came in and asked me if I wanted Vivian in the nursery for the night, but I said no because I wanted every moment I could have with her. Sleep didn't matter at that point.
The nurses there were so amazing about the whole thing, and so sensitive to my emotions and needs.
For the rest of the night I held Vivian in my arms and just relished every second with her. I sang to her, told her about myself, Ryan, and her new mommy and daddy. Oh yeah, and every two hours, I fed her too :)
Around 5am the nurse came in and asked to take her to the nursery because the pediatrician came in early and would want to look at her. I reluctantly obliged with strict instructions that she was not to be near a window and have no identifying paperwork, such as 'Gold Baby', on her little bucket thing. I just didn't want Ryan to see her if he happened to show up at the hospital. Susan had asked me the previous day if I wanted to call Ryan and tell him the baby was coming, and I said no. But I still didn't feel completely comfortable that he wouldn't show up.
The day after she was born was a busy one. After I got Vivian back from the nursery, my friend from support group called me from a room down the hall, she'd gone into labor the night before! So I went down and visited her and showed Vivian off.
I also had a lot of visitors. Some friends from work and group, family members and very signifigantly was a friend from work Heather. We'd become very close in the past months and she was there to support me through the whole process, so she stayed most of the day and night.
Susan came up around noon and I finally got to call Chris and Emily. I was so excited. They both answered the phone and were SO excited. But they started asking about how I was! What did they mean, how was I? Weirdos! Let's talk about the baby!! :) Just kidding you guys :) But seriously, all I wanted to tell them about was the baby. They were so sweet, and sensitive, but you could tell by their voices they were jumping out of their skin. We spoke for a little bit longer and I told the to expect something later at the agency. When Susan left I sent her with a little picture of Vivian and her foot prints that the nurses had taken. And later that day the most gorgeous flowers from Chris and Emily were delivered. They were so gracious, I couldn't believe it.
I was on a high. I'd never felt that way before. It was like nothing could bring me down, I kept thinking to myself, 'what was I so afraid of'?
And later that night, I found out.

It was around midnight when all of my visitors and Heather had left, and my mom and I settled down to bed.
I'd kept Vivian in bed with me the night before and I was having trouble sleeping because I was afraid I was going to roll over on her. So that night I but her in her little 'bucket' next to my bed and tried to go to sleep. I dozed off and woke up about two hours later when the nurse came in to draw my blood. After she left I dimmed the lights, and lay there watching Vivian sleep.
And it hit me.
I was going to have to say goodbye.
All of the sudden I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't think.
Sobs racked my entire body and it was all I could do to get a little air.
I couldn't believe this was happening.
That the time had come so fast and I was going to hand my little girl over and walk away.
Where was Ryan?
I needed him. And he wasn't there.
My mom woke up from all the noise I was making, went and picked up Vivian, and came and crawled in bed with me.
We cried together as she spoke words of comfort until I finally fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning and my mom was sitting in the corner feeding Vivian and bottle and singing softly to her.
She told me to go take a shower that it would help me feel better.
While I was in the shower I kept thinking that I just wasn't ready to say goodbye, I hadn't had enough time with her. There was no way I could place her that night.
When I got out and got dressed my mom and talked a little more about how I was feeling about placing her that night. I told her I just wasn't ready, I needed more time. She told me that I needed to do what I felt was right and the decisions were mine until I signed the papers.
Susan came up later that afternoon and I told her what I was thinking about spending more time with Vivian. She said the decision was up to me. I told her to tell Chris and Emily that I hadn't changed my mind, but Iw as going to take Vivian home for the night.


Laura said...

Hey Mel,
I think I need to make sure I have a box of tissues by me when I read your blog. Honestly words don't describe the feelings. You are just so AMAZING, and I love you.

Joni said...

As a friend to many of adoptive parents-thank you.

Jessa Smith said...

Mills! I hate waiting for the next installment but I'm so glad when they pop up!

Hales Family said...

I can't even imagine. You are so amazing, Melissa. The love that you had/have for Vivian must be overwhelming. She is such a lucky girl!

My hat is off to you, woman. I have nothing but respect for you! Love ya!

Michelle said...

crying . . .

Lisa said...

i simply can't imagine.