I actually have to have this baby?
The doctor could see that I was starting to panic, so he gave me a hug and told me to remember my goals and focus on getting baby here safe, that the rest would follow suit.
At the moment I had no idea what he was saying, but looking back now, it makes sense.
When he left the room I burst into to tears and threw my arms around my mom. She asked me what was wrong, she thought I was happy to get the baby out soon. To have this hard pregnancy over with.
Well that part I was, but I wasn't even close to being ready to say goodbye.
So here was the plan. I was going to go into the hospital on Tuesday night to have some medicine put in to thin my cervix. Then on Wednesday morning I would be induced. I would stay in the hospital for two days after and have the baby to myself. Then the day we were both released I would place her with her new family.
Tuesday came so fast. I woke up that morning and got in the tub. I sat there rubbing my tummy and it occured to me that this would be our last bath together. When I got out I got ready for the day, then packed my bag for the hospital. Later on my mom and I went shopping for a bit, had dinner. On the way to the hospital we stopped at the adoption agency to pick up the car seat for the baby and have one last meeting with Susan. On the way out the door she asked me if I was ready, I just laughed.
ya. ready. ok.
We arrived at the hospital around 7pm and the gave me the stuff for my cervix and I was stuck in bed for the rest of the night. My mom stayed the night with me and slept on the pull out bed they had in there. I couldn't sleep at all. I tried to watch movies, read, or just shut my eyes real tight and hope sleep would come. But it didn't.
I spent the night crying, rubbing my tummy, grabbing the little elbows and feet I could feel every so often. And praying.
I prayed more that night that I ever had, or have, in my whole life. I prayed for strength. I prayed for understanding. I prayed for hope, love, compassion, forgiveness. But most of all I prayed for bravery. I was about to go through what I hoped would be the hardest battle of my life. And I needed the bravery and the courage to get me through.
The next morning the nurse came in around 7 am and checked my cervix then told me I could take a bath before the doctor came. After I got out, before I left the bathroom, I took a good look at myself in the mirror, then shrugged.
Here we go.
I was induced around nine am then it was time to wait. I was only at a two so the doctor said we had awhile. My brother and his wife came up because I'd asked her to be in the room when I delivered. My mom was still there, and my Dad, who's office was next door, came in and out throughout the day. Around two the doctor came back over and broke my water.
I settled down to read my book and wait some more when all of the sudden, OUT OF NOWHERE, the contractions started coming. And they came hard and fast.
Now, I have NO tolerance for pain whatsoever, and for someone who's never felt a contraction, or pain like that for that matter, I FREAKED out. I grabbed my mom's hand and kept saying over and over, something's wrong, something's wrong!!! And since my mom has never had a baby either, she ran out and got the nurse yelling that something was wrong.
The nurse comes in and checks the baby's stats on the little paper thing and smiles.
What's wrong I asked her, why was I hurting so bad?
She answered me by saying, you're in labor, this is what it's supposed to feel like.
I was not convinced so I demanded my epidural. Demanded. Not asked politely, demanded.
She said she would go and tell the nurse anesthetist, and see if there was anyone in front of me.
What did she mean anyone in front of me? This wasn't Dairy Queen, I needed one at that very second in time, after all, I was the only woman in the whole entire world giving birth that day so why should I have to wait.
Well, I didn't, he came right in.
I started to feel better right away, but miss smarty pants nurse says, well now you've just added at least another five or six hours to your labor.
What did she know.
I called Susan to let her know what was going on so she could give Chris and Emily, who by the way were anxiously awaiting the new of her arrival at home, and update on where we were at.
At five pm the doctor came in, checked me and told me it was time to push.
They got me all set up, then the pushing began, my mom holding one leg, the nurse holding the other and my sister in law taking pictures.
I remember thinking to myself that the whole pushing the baby out thing really was like it was in the movies.
And at 5:54pm, just like that, there she was.